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Discoveries

I am finding that being content should not be dependent on my circumstances. I am finding that raising two beautiful, loving, creative, bright and kind children in an unjust and fallen world is challenging and eye-opening and incredibly humbling. I am finding that there is a peace that cannot be stolen from me or scared out of me no matter how many tragic stories I read or how many news articles I browse.  I am finding that my joy does not come from a new home, new year, or even new challenges.  I am finding that my little ones are strong and smart and unique though, i know, that at some point each of those characteristics will be questioned and threatened by society.  I am finding that I am completely in love with my husband and am so blessed by the way we have evolved into husband and wife and into daddy and mommy.

I am finding that I am incredibly inept on my own -- that I need direction and divine guidance and an assurance that comes from above.  I am finding that I will never fit right in, and that is okay... and I honestly wish that for my children also.  I am finding that being accepted by everyone and everything probably means that I am not being truthful or authentic or genuine. I am finding that I appreciate respect more than niceties and fluff and compliments.  I am finding that my identity cannot be tied solely to my ethnicity or my nationality or my degrees or my job.  I am finding that I want to be defined by my conviction and my relationships and my morals and my God.

I am finding that viy and cai need God more than they need me. I have begun to realize that prayers for my children are the most effective piece of my parenting, and that I need to do it more.  I am finding that the tears my mother shed on her knees were not for her at all... and I am reaping those rewards even today.

I am reminded that it is all His Grace.  As individuals get to know me, I want them to know that my allegiance and my loyalties are not simply tied to things of this world.  I know that this makes people uncomfortable and perplexed, and that I often contradict my heart's desires with what I choose to say or do. I am finding that I need to constantly re-evaluate my goals, my priorities, my testimony.  I am finding old journals and prayer books that speak volumes about my personal journey of this path that brings me here.

I am finding contentment. and joy. and truth. and Love. I hope to be the strong woman my children and my husband need me to be.  It is a challenge.  It is needed of me.

With all of the amazing changes and transitions that have been going on in our lives, I am finding that His Love never fails and His Mercy endures forever. I am finding this to be one of the sweetest truths.

I am hoping that viy and cai continue to love with so much of their being. Their giving nature and their honest and complete affection for one another is one of the most amazing things I have ever been privileged to witness.  I am believing that they will change the world and that they will bring joy and light to others.

I am praying that my girls discover that part of the beauty of this often painful life is to cling to the Hope of healing and forgiveness and the promise of a divine plan.



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