living now

this time of year reminds me of my first fall in this area.. married four months and living in a cozy townhouse, struggling to feel comfortable in my new life and a new place... busy and ambitious as i taught at the community college and spent two nights out of the week enrolled in classes at upenn, seriously considering enrolling full-time in the phd program. life was so different. and i was so different.

i found time to consistently write  poetry, still stumbling upon them seven years later as i try to organize bins in my closet or boxes in the storage area...
i wondered about what my marriage would evolve into, what my husband would teach me about love and faith, and if i would ever truly feel that this was my life.
i constantly found my mind wandering to how things were "back home" surrounded by family and cushioned by familiarity and safety.

i looked forward to a time when i would be back in a high school classroom, teaching a curriculum that i helped write and felt connected to. daily i thought about having a baby in my arms, a baby that was ours, a baby that i had spent most of my life dreaming about. i explored the neighborhood and surrounding towns, loving the "new" restaurants that we got to try and parks that we would picnic at. i cooked elaborate, romantic dinners and baked desserts that were late night snacks and morning breakfasts. i remember staying up so late, as we watched movies and talked... yet still energized in the morning to teach a 7:30 a.m. class. we planned day trips and loved driving to find the most beautiful foliage, just to peacefully watch leaves fall in silence, and then constantly taking pictures of ourselves - faces squeezed together to fit in a frame, all eyes and smiles.


life was about those experiences.

life is entirely different now. my time is spent differently, my thoughts are on completely different things, my ambition has been redirected. it is not just motherhood that has changed this life for me, though the overflow of love and blessing is a constant motivator and a challenge.

there is an honesty and self-discovery that comes with marriage... and it arrives in various packages multiple times each year. they are the moments that come with the changing of seasons, after a disagreement, during a sermon, on the ride home after a night out with friends, sitting in front of a fireplace, revisiting old pictures, spending time with each other's families, shedding tears, and rejoicing in the goodness that has found us.

there are also moments of Grace and Forgiveness that have been so perfectly strewn about my path, a path I so often stumbled along... moments that i now choose to embrace and recognize and thank God for.

life is now more about others than about me... much of my ambition is now rooted in providing a loving and nurturing home for my family, raising children who understand the importance of salvation in a world that is unforgiving and in need of love, teaching to empower and educate beyond the classroom and curriculum.

my life is ever-changing, and yet the constant presence of a Savior who guides has been my compass. much of my cooking and desserts now are to bring us together and to grow -- meals that are catered to little girls who smile and rub their bellies as they eat a full plate. exploring now is about holding little hands and running through fields, while answering questions about science and faith and nature and play. daily i hold my babies in my arms, push the curls out of their face, tuck them in at night... reminding our children that i love them and am thankful for them. finding beautiful foliage  is still about watching leaves fall, but now we giggle while our doggy chases them, pointing out the different colors and shapes we see, as a whole family. capturing moments against a perfect fall sunset, the entire frame filled with bright eyes and wild curls.

we still have our late night talks and midnight snacks as husband and wife. we still have our work and our duties and our responsibilities. my mind occasionally wanders, not so much to the past, but more to the future, a future that my little ones speak of... a future full of promise.

this is home. there is nowhere else but here for me right now. it is a place that is full of love and joy, sometimes stressful and scary and tasking, yes, but so real and so full.

this life has been compiled of layers and layers of lessons, experiences, realizations.... and poetry, maybe not always recorded on paper, but tucked away in my heart and gloriously apparent in this life.