as usual, i grasp and clutch and attempt to hold tight

days have passed and seasons have turned and my children are growing...

the past months have been filled with laughter brought on by joy, tears brought on by circumstance, decisions brought on by demand, and change brought on by necessity. 

from the time i last posted, much has changed, shifted, or rearranged in our lives. 

my two brave four-year-old children who entered private kindergarten were bombarded by one undesirable scenario after another and we were forced to pull them from their school. my still brave, resilient, and bright five-year-old girls are now thriving in a private pre-k that seems to be preparing them for their first year of public school kindergarten in the "big building" come august. 

my littlest bubba is now walking and clapping and inserting herself into her older sisters' activities. she is independent most of the time, entertaining herself and priding herself on silly antics that make us laugh and cheer. she is headstrong, undeniably adorable, cuddly, and forgiving.

we celebrated her birthday right around the time we had to part ways with her nanny, a young woman who has influenced my children's lives, and all of our lives, in more ways than she will ever know. elisea consistently waves and smiles and claps when we talk about miss nikki or show her pictures of a new life in kenya, a life that is steeped in service, commitment, and love. 

my three girls are becoming closer to one another each day. viy and cai are no longer so completely intertwined with one another that they cannot notice the ways in which elisea has established a strong presence in our home. elisea is more intrigued by the big girl activities that swirl around from room to room and is no longer annoyed by, what used to be, small bursts of attention from her older siblings. there has been a settling, a melding, a union of fiery will, determination, and sweetness. 

i cannot imagine a time when life will not be like this. when all of my children will not be within arm's reach, fighting for our attention, sharing our conversation and our time, staring wide-eyed, full of devotion during every story and explanation and lesson. a time when they won't all make their way into our bed on weekends and on snow days, and yes, sometimes the days in between. a time when they won't clamor to help me fold or clean or cook. when each of my three girls will not be covering me with kisses, pulling at my limbs, hugging my neck or resting their heads on my shoulders in the simplest form of perfection. i want to never let go. i want to document every beautiful smile and contagious giggle and the smallest milestone, and i attempt to hold so tight that sometimes i cannot even think about a time when things will not be just like this. 

i cannot imagine that time. but i understand that one day, honestly, God willing, i will live it. 

i know that times will bring differences in these moments that i call my life. 

and i pray that God gives me the Grace to recall these days of simplicity and beauty. 

but i also pray that God gives me the Grace to find the joy and beauty in those days also.