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i am left...

it was a grocery store in buffalo. 

and it was a church in laguna woods. 

and it was an elementary school in uvalde, texas. 





it is all the times in between and all the times before. 


and God please help us, it is all the times after. 


i am left with my mind in a jumbled mass of arguments and anger, my heart a knot of ache and pain. i am left with my soul stretching its voice to plea. i am left as i attempt to send my children off to school and myself to walk into my own classroom with my will torn to shreds... barely a thread hanging onto any purpose at all. i am left weeping before bed, sobbing on the way to work, shuddering at the thought of this happening and america continuing on like usual. 

i am left scrolling through pictures of beautiful humans that will never breathe again, left reading posts of those who miss the laughs of their cherished, left staring at photos of special occasions, a frozen moment that was supposed to be one in a series of many more. left searching for the painful goodbyes of mothers and fathers, siblings, and friends so that i can learn all i can about those who were taken and the deep sorrow of those from whom they were stolen. 

i am left scouring news sites for reasons why or promises of a better tomorrow. left thinking of final moments, wondering if they knew how much they were loved. left with my resolution to believe that the encounter didn't last long, that they went quickly, that they knew in the deepest parts of their existence that they had done nothing wrong, that they didn't deserve this, that they would never be forgotten. 

i am left looking up statistics, comparing case studies, reading articles on social behavior, consuming information on proposed laws and history. 

i am left feeling helpless, feeling useless, feeling futile in my frailty. i am left questioning the humanity around me, the power of influence, the evil of greed, the desire for control. 

like a dark cloud of smoke moving to fill a room, this realization settles - making me gasp for air and reach for light -- 

i am left, 

but they are gone. 




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